Bucket List

"I can believe things that are true and things that aren't true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they're true or not.

I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Beatles and Marilyn Monroe and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen - I believe that people are perfectable, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones that look like wrinkled lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.

I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone's ass. I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline in good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.
I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative. I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste.

I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we'll all be wiped out by the common cold like martians in War of the Worlds.

I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman.

I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumble bee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.

I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.

I believe that anyone who says sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too.

I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.

I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.”--Neil Gaiman, American Gods.
 

I haven't blogged for quite some time, and the reason is because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Me? Not have anything to write about? How could that be? I mean I write all the time: every day, whether in my office or at home, I'm writing something--freaking anything--to churn the melting pot of my imagination. I'm constantly thinking, constantly throwing things around in my head, and I couldn't think of a damn thing to write about. Ridiculous. If you looked at my office space or in my bedroom, you would see organized chaos, which is exactly what is going on in my head. I pull things from everywhere, throw them to the wind and am on to the next thing while the other is still clinging to the strings of air. So in these past two and a half weeks I thought to myself there has to be something I could write about, something that I thought was worthwhile... Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

And then I thought of something...
 

This past month has been somewhat of an eye opener: My very good friend, as some of you already know, underwent brain surgery for a growing tumor. I won't say anymore for privacy sakes, but seeing your friend basically come back from the dead prioritizes things. And so I have made a bucket list of all the random, "wild" crap that I would like to do before my time is up here. Whelp. Here we go:

1) Publish a novel I have written:

Yes, yes this is an obvious one considering I am currently writing my third novel and have yet to stop and question whether or not it is a waste of time. Writing, initially, started as a way to escape the stressors of school and has now turned into something that I truly enjoy. And I don't want it published for money or any monetary gain such as fame or accolades: writing is about having someone read something meaningful that changes or gets them to think about the world, about life. If you look at any great book, whether its Neil Gaiman's American Gods, Margaret Mitchell's Gone with the Wind, or J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, there are messages there, underlying themes that make even the most imaginative world or complications have verisimilitude. FYI if you haven't read those books I suggest you do. 

2) Write a Final Fantasy video game script.

This one is cheesy, nerdy, and any other word that suggests how lame this would be to anyone besides me. And bear in mind this is contingent upon the fact that I am asked to write a FF script. Whatever. It's a bucket list--anything goes.

Like I've mentioned in earlier blog posts, my grandma first introduced me to video gaming. I remember playing Mario Bros, Zelda, Duck Hunt, Punchout, Dragon Warrior, Gauntlet, and the list goes on and on, with her when I was a little boy. She rocks. All grandmas rock. Anyways, she and I played FF6 together, which is the only FF on any gaming system that allows two people to play at the same time. Ever since then I was hooked. I think this one has more sentimentality than the others, so perhaps that makes up for how nerdy it is--not likely though.

3) See a Liverpool game while Steven Gerrard is still playing.

Soccer was all I did for the first 18 years of my life (next to video gaming). And there was no player or team I idolized more than Steven Gerrard and the Reds. I would spend hours watching youtube videos of him and then go outside in my backyard and try and mimick what he did or figure out how he did it. Also, Liverpool, is the king of comebacks, which, as a kid, was the coolest thing. See 2005 UEFA Champions League Final against AC Milan for reference or the FA cup Final against West Ham.

4) See U2 live--again.

I've seen them twice already, and if I could see them every week for the next however many years until they die on stage I would. I've seen a few bands play live--U2, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Matthews Band, and Fleetwood Mac, but without a doubt I can safely say that going to a U2 concert isn't just a concert; it is an experience. Go see them.

5) Travel everywhere--literally.

This one is cliche, and it is probably on everyone's bucket list, but come on: who doesn't want to travel every corner of the globe if they had the time and the money?

6) Meet the following people: Bono, Felicia Day, Neil Gaiman, Paul Ekman and Conan O'Brien.

Kind of self explanatory there.

7) Have a wife and kids

Sounds a bit romanticized and a bit cliche, but lately, now more than ever, this has been a hard thing for me to still believe in. I think as one gets older there are certain inevitable conclusions one comes to through experience. Something I learned is this: there is a possibility--a very real possibility--that things may not turn out the way you have them set up in your mind, and as much as you want them to work out certain way, they may not. People get divorced; people live alone; people lose their children, lose their husbands/wives/partners. Anyways, yeah... wife and kids. 

8) Live for a time in Port Isaac, London, or a similar type of small port town. 

Google that place. There is a show called Doc Martin that is filmed there. It's a beautiful place and if I'm a famous novelist (another wish), I'd like to retire and live out there for a time.
 
9) Consult with the police on criminal investigations as a psychologist.

This one exemplifies my love for the macabre.

10) Do something meaningful with my life.

I think this last one is the just something that I've always felt I needed to do. I have to look back on my life and be able to do say that. Or perhaps, in light of my friend's recent experience, and as Neil Gaiman bluntly put: maybe you should just lie back and enjoy it.

All the Best,

Matthew

Povel is a boss.

“You don’t look, do you? You don’t look at the world, you just drive straight through it. Stop, and look. …Find someone to sit with you. You’re not strong enough to do it on your own, nobody is. Find someone to sit with you.”--Povel Wallander

This is the most moving quote from the BBC show "Wallander" I have heard so far. It's hard to describe to viewers who have not watched the series but I will do my best: Kurt Wallander is a detective inspector in Sweden who investigates a variety of crimes that illustrate the darker side of human nature. Much like "Luther", "Wallander" is gritty; it's despondent; and it relies as much upon the actual characters and the actors that play them as it does on the plot and storytelling. There are a number of differences between John Luther and Kurt Wallander, but the main difference is this: John Luther is an investigator because his mind is fascinated with understanding the psychology and motivations behind the horrid crimes he gazes upon; he obsesses over it; he's drawn in because he has to know why someone did what they did. Kurt Wallander wants justice; he wants vengeance. And he could give a shit about the psychological aspect of the murder.

Luther's mind is as mercurial and chaotic as the killers he hunts. But more importantly, Luther walks the tight rope between good and evil, between legal and illegal, between righteousness and abomination--and that's why we love to watch Luther. My favorite scenes are with his best friend--a narcissistic/psychopathic killer named Alice, who murdered her parents in cold blood--and the intimacy between them. It's not sexual intimacy per se, but it's the mind. They understand one another. Luther has insight into a killer's mind because he himself thinks that way at times.

Kurt Wallander draws you in because you want him to win. You desperately want something to go right for him--and nothing ever does. He puts himself to the brink of not exhaustion, but destruction, for the victim and their families. His relationship with his daughter is strained; his relationship with his father is strained; his wife and he are separated; people around him die that he cares about; and no matter how hard he tries to escape the things that haunt him, he can't. He makes mistakes. He's human. VERY human. With Luther, you lose that because he is so far gone in his neurotic/borderline psychotic nature (the man poured gasoline on himself for christsakes).

Anyways, to provide some context to this quote: Kurt Wallander spends most of his life neglecting those he loves because of his job--he forgets birthdays, forgets meetings, and misses those opportunities to spend time with family. He neglects visiting his father and mother for two reasons, both of which stem from his father: 1) His father, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's, becomes a painful sight for Kurt. He can't bear to see the one he loves deteriorate. And 2) His father and he never see eye to eye on anything. His father can never understand why Kurt chose to be a detective. Here is an amazing scene between Kurt and his father (it isnt the one above, but it's a good one). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gXRjmsMpaA8 --Kenneth Branagh is a boss.

In regards to the quote above, Kurt's dad is near death--his mind is deteriorating, his health is fading, and he knows it. And every day he sits outside with his wife on this bench, watching the landscape, watching the birds, taking it all in. In the episode where his father dies, Kurt and he get into a fight and this is what Povel Wallander says to his son. And I found that so moving. "Find someone to sit with you."--freaking awesome.

Now, of course, being the psychologist, I ask why did I find it to be such a good quote? I don't know, maybe because it was so simplistic in the literal interpretation of it, but when looking at it symbolically it means something totally different. Povel Wallander is telling his son to find someone to sit with him through it all--through life itself--using the small bench his wife and he sit in every day as a metaphor. It's the essence of what we all want: to not be alone, to find that someone to go through life with, not because we want it, but because we need it. If you're human, you don't want to go through life alone, nobody does. In fact, we rebel against that very idea.

We all want someone to sit with us, because, in the end, it isn't really about sex, but about friendship, about finding someone who you can open yourself up to wholly and not feel a shroud of worry that they will judge you or tarnish the love and trust you have built with that person. It's about handling the challenges of life together and being there for one another that makes it truly special (not to say that sex isn't...). I read an article, a psych article, that pointed out the obvious: marriages don't fail because of lack of sexual intimacy, but because there isn't the friendship behind it to hold it up. They finished with saying, "marry your best friend." Good advice, I'd say.

But he says something else in that quote doesn't he? Stop and look. Stop and appreciate what is around you. And for Kurt, it means stop and appreciate those closest to you--his father and daughter in particular. His father knows he doesn't have much time left and this was his way of letting Kurt know to not go through life on overdrive--slow down, see what it has to offer, and find someone to do it with you.

Alright, I'm tired. See ya.

--Matt